Being honest with myself isn't hard. It's being honest with other people. I'll admit, I'd rather say things are going well and be the 'light' and 'breezy' Martha I sometimes claim to be. Then admit something that is personal and true to who I am. Honestly, showing my real feelings and true thoughts to other people is one of my worst traits. I JUST DON'T DO IT.
Even a simple question of 'how are you feeling today' will be replied with the same cheery, smily Martha I like to present to others even when half an hour ago I was crying down the phone to my mom with a puddle of dried tears on my pillow. Part of that is due to the fact that when people ask you 'polite' questions, no one really expects a Shakespeare worthy performance of dramatic dialogue sprouted out into what should be a 10 second response to a 30 minute deep conversation. However this should be different with friends, right? They should be the ones that should ask questions with a honest response no matter how diverse it could be.
I don't have that. I don't have friends.
I hate saying, I hate typing it out even more. This is me being honest. I don't have someone that I can be my true self with.
I have acquaintances. I have people I can sit with in lectures, I have someone I smile at in the gym ,yet when it comes to having people to really talk to, I am lacking to finding them.
I would describe myself as a 'slow roast'- It take ages to cook, but once I'm ready I am worth it (hopefully!). Trying not to make that sound dirty😂😅 (sorry mom and dad!). What I mean is I'm not someone who is immdetailty confident with people. I smile and feel as though I am coming across as friendly, but from then on, I take a while to really get to know. I used to think that this 'slow burn' approach was okay. Apparently it is not😳
University has shown me, I SUCK AT GETTING TO KNOW PEOPLE! Also having the extra pressure to know people to live with next year is agonising pressure for me. I hate it. If it wasn't for this worry of 'where am I going to live next year?' on my mind, I probably wouldn't be as concerned or worried as I am. It also highlights the fact I don't currently have a place to live...
Now this isn't a personal cry for housemates next year (although if you have an extra room I'm not turning it down!😉) This is a post to say that one thing social media is good at hiding is the HONEST BITS! The struggles people have, even with 'simple' things like making friends. N o o n e wants to appear as if they have no one, no friends and a social goon (I like this word IDKW?!). The judgement you think you might face to say well, I have no friends. Guess little miss no friends here doesn't care about that judgment then🙋
I am trying, I will keep trying. An annoying trait of mine (apart from being a damn long slow roast) is I am resilient. I like to think more stubborn but my mom says that sounds too 'mean', but whatever I am, I will never give up trying. I hate that I always do because every time I get knocked (i.e. have finished the day without saying a single word to one person, that's right I've done that before!) It hurts.
The expectations of Uni have unfortunately not been met, not that having friends was the only part of it- but it was a big part. As I said admitting to myself I don't have friends was okay, to right a post about it was harder. I'm not even sure what will come of doing this? If it helps just one other person who feels the same then can we be friends? THERE WE GO JOB DONE!!!
I know having good friends takes time and a loooooot of patience (I have plenty of both), yet why is it easier for others and not me? I'm not that bad, right? (comments sent through telling me otherwise will be noted😏😂)
My quest for finding friends continues...
Hopefully I gave an honest, and maybe relatable post to some (or maybe no one and I'm on my own for this!).
Honest and simple,
A picture of my breakfast, because as we know, food is my friend💖
Featuring scrambled egg with smoked salmon on rye toast🍳